just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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