Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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