So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
