Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
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Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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