Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
