sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
