y did u give ur computer a hand job?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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