Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
