remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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