cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
