I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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