He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
