you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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