i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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