I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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