I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
