i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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