It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
