Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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