So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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