you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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