Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
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