I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
