Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
how drunk are you?
Several
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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