im six kinds of drunk right now
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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