ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's never too late to be topless.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
