Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I could fuck to npr.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
