Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize