i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
