hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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