I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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