Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dick very happy bro
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