I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
