our cab driver is having phone sex.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
