She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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