My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
