god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
