It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
