take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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