I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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