the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
