Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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