Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
