she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
