Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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