Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
