Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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