My liver just broke up with me...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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