Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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