I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
