weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
