I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
