There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
