I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
