I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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