I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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