FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
