I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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