Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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