He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
