somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Bring me that man meat
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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