matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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